Quiet City (2007)

The first mumblecore to get a thumbs down.  The male lead doesn't hold up his end of the film.  Aaron Katz should've cast himself.  I've never seen him act, mind you, it's just that's the way these mumblecats work best.

Rating: 4 out of 10
Recommended instead: Hannah Takes the Stairs

Party Girl (1958)

Party Girl by Nicholas Ray featured very good performances by Lee J. Cobb, John Ireland, Kent Smith and especially Robert Taylor in the lead.  You will notice these are all men.  I am stupefied by the title.  Cyd Charisse wasn't that big a star, and she is not the protagonist, or even a major factor in the plot, and she only gets two song/dances.

In the spirit of "Party Girl," I submit the following retitles:

Dorothy Boyd
Karen Crowder
The Stripper
Breathless Mahoney
Adrian
Jones
Sue

Rating: 7 out of 10
Recommended instead of: Party Girl (1995)

American Psycho (2000)

A few actor/director combinations that I would have preferred over Christian Bale/Mary Harron, that also worked together at the turn of the millenium:
Tom Cruise/Stanley Kubrick : Bale said he based his performance on Cruise/Kubrick would have nailed the tone
Edward Norton/David Fincher : Norton was offered the role/Fincher would have done better with the psychological POV
Jim Carrey/Milos Forman : Going more comedy than black
Adam Sandler/Paul Thomas Anderson : I have no idea how, or why, but wow
Matt Dillon/John McNaughton : Kevin Dillon was in the works, but this Dillon is better, and McNaughton knows serial killers
Matt Damon/Gus Van Sant : Tom Ripley meets Norman Bates (Vince Vaughn is too tall)

These two were actually "in the works"
Brad Pitt/David Cronenberg (!?!?!!)
Leonardo DiCaprio/Oliver Stone

But this one is not only the most plausible, but also might actually makes the most sense, tonally:
Keanu Reeves/Sam Raimi

Rating: 2 out of 10
Recommended instead: Fellow transgressor A Clockwork Orange

Metropolitan (1990)

Sometimes the pat line is the only one.  About 30 minutes into Metropolitan, the line entered my mind, and simply would not leave. 

"This movie won me over."

Rating: 7 out of 10
Recommended instead of: Ang Lee's Sense and Sensibility

Batalla en el cielo (2005)

Hundreds of popular films have "average" or "normal" people going on some sort of spree.  Hollywood favors the young lovers/criminals, movie stars as everyman (with glasses even!) and futile gestures against The Man.

The art house auteurs prefer dispassionate views of the monotony and indignities of the protagonist's everyday life as a slow build to the violence.  Whether it is a German draftsman or an Iranian pizza delivery man or a mother in Brussels, we are left to sort out the social, political, psychological or cultural causes for the crash. 

Why does Marcos run Amok?  Battle in Heaven by Carlos Reygadas places itself firmly in the obscuritanist camp.

Rating: 5 out of 10
Recommended instead:  For me, God's Lonely Man needs a little more personality.

Lourdes (2009)

67 people have been officially recognized as having been miraculously cured at Lourdes. 

Did you do a double take reading that sentence?  Which part?  The "67"?  The "miraculously cured"?  The one that gets me is "officially".  The film Lourdes respectfully raises these questions and more about miracles and who may or may not deserve them to be granted. 

And in the "For those who believe, no proof is necessary. For those who don't believe, no proof is possible" category, I submit to the jury this experiment:

President Obama today established formal diplomatic relations with the Sovereign Military Order of Malta. 

Was he right?

Rating: 6 out of 10
Recommended instead of: The Rapture

The Sticky Fingers of Time (1997)

One of those rare times that a film comes via Netflix and I can't remember why it's there. Should've taken that as a sign.

Rating: 3 out of 10
Recommeded instead: Primer

Antichrist (2009)

Willem DaFoe has already been crucified once on screen, so he knows the drill, so to speak.  Work with a well respected director on a controversial project.  Get naked in all senses.  Get hammered. The film critics get tizzified and it seems equal numbers say tragedy and say farce.  One Wahoo literally ran from Newcomb Hall and the clinking of the bottle left behind rolling down the aisle pierced the stunned Silence for those who endured.

I say it is von Trier's best work to date.

The ending credits are a compelling validation of what has come before.  The Whammy-Inducer gets the end dedication.  There is a credit for "misogyny research" and one for "horror film research".  This is not the work of a flippant provocateur, it is a finely crafted synthesis of the sensual, the intellectual and the transcendental sides of the Baltic confrontation with the cold world.

Remember what Frank Pembleton said: Therapist is a straight anagram for The Rapist.

Rating: 9 out of 10
Recommended as a double feature with: The Shining

Mala Noche (1985)

"Best directorial debut" is a slippery category to define.  Do you count student films?  Well, you just made She's Gotta Have It ineligible for consideration.  How long does a film have to be to stray out of your Shorts category and into your Feature category?  40 minutes?  Well, you just knocked out Citizen Kane.  Is it necessary to be "released."  OK, Orson is back in.

As the means of production and distribution change, so do the chances to make and distribute and get a film seen by enough to matter.  My initial theory is that as the years go by, it will become harder and harder to make a great "first film."

If you use the SAG definition for feature film (80min) then Drugstore Cowboy is still eligible.  If lower, then Mala Noche knocks it out.

Rating: 3 out of 10
Recommended instead: Here is my Top 10 using my personal criteria:

#1  Citizen Kane
#2  The Texas Chainsaw Massacre
#3  Targets
#4  The Hunger
#5  Wristcutters: A Love Story (still waiting for 2nd)
#6  Ordinary People
#7  Reservoir Dogs
#8  Brick
#9  Thief
#10 Persepolis

Looks like blades and short titles are the common thread.

Kippur (2000)

For generations of Americans, military warfare has taken places in wholly other spaces.  Over There.  Long slow transitions from civilian to soldier and back again.  Kippur showed me a new timeline:  a commuter war.  If Americans had to fight that way, we'd certainly have different attitudes.

Rating: 7 out of 10
Recommended instead of: Three Kings